Monday, May 19, 2014

I can't believe how long it's been since i gave up trying to blog. And now here I am two years later typing and sharing my thoughts with anybody who cares. (By that I mean nobody, just like I haven't blogged in years no one has thought of reading my blog in years.)

Last thing I mentioned in my blog was Clares' feeding tube. She's doing very well with it. It has probably saved her life. The first year she was on it she only gained two pounds. Those precious two pounds were gained in the first month she had it. After that she maintained the same weight for the next 11 months. I just can't imagine how thin and sickly she would have become without it.

So at the end of 2012 we increased her overnight calories to 1,000. She's growing! we even had to deal with growing pains in her legs and arm for most of 2013. Those growing pains are easing up and when she gets them now I stick her in a warm bath with some Epsom salts, it's the only thing that seems to do the trick.

Lets see, Tommy was a baby then in 2011. He had trouble with ear infections but being the sweet tough little guy that he is we didn't know how much until the doctor told me a year ago (June 2013) that he has scar tissue on his ear drums. Of course in hind sight I remember a time (Dec. 2012 - Jan 2013) I wasn't sure he could hear us, when he stopped baby talking and making sounds. At the time I just thought he was being quiet. Maybe I was too worried about Clare to notice? Maybe I was too sick with our third pregnancy and my own growing depression? I'll never really know.

I do remember the first time I took him in to the doctor for an ear infection. He had been up several times each night for a week, we thought he must be having bad dreams because it just wasn't like him to wake up in the night. One morning he pointed to his ear and said "ouchy" Instantly I understood. He had an ear infection! we were at the doctors as soon as we could drive there. He's almost two but he hardly talks at all even the doctor was concerned about his speech skills lagging behind. I'm so glad he said "ouchy".

You may have noticed that I said I was pregnant Dec 2012 and Jan 2013. This pregnancy began all the way back in the fall of 2012. I didn't notice it right away because I was preoccupied with my grandmothers health and then her funeral.

My Grandmother Barbara Clare (Woodhouse) Robinson passed away in Oct. of 2012. I flew out to her funeral by myself, left the kidos with Rick at home for the weekend. I really felt nauseous as I arrived at the airport, I haven't been away from my kids for more than a few hours, not since before Tommy was born. During the funeral preparations and the funeral I felt the same feeling come and go. Wow, funerals really do weird things to a person.

After I arrived back home I finally took a pregnancy test that came back a gleaming positive within seconds. Maybe it wasn't the funeral and spending time away from my kidos that made me feel so odd and sick? Now you might be wondering how this could be a surprise. We have two other children and know exactly how babies are made. I should clarify, Rick was supprised, I was...not sure how to tell him.

Months before Rick and I had been having a conversation on our way to church about babies. I don't remember how it started but I remember exactly how it ended. We arrived in the church parking lot. Rick said something about birth control. I said that considering our situation it would be irresponsible not to be using it. Rick was surprised, "are you using birth control?" I thought he knew, "yes I have an IUD" Rick said, "We're in the mode of growing our family. How would it be irresponsible to have another child?" At this point we reached the church doors. The conversation ended.

I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was one of the many troughs of depression that I had been rolling in and out of for the past few years. I worried that Rick was disappointed in me and may even stop loving me. You see depression clouded my view of reality and besides hating myself it was also hard to imagine anyone ells could tolerate me, even someone as loving and devoted as Rick. So, in my fear and sorrow I took my IUD out.

I cleaned up my teary face. (I always had eye drops around to clear up read eyes, so no one could tell I'd been crying. I used them for this all the time, that's how bad my mental state was.) When I went back to the room Rick was I I asked him how soon he'd like to have another child. His answer shocked me when he indicated that he wasn't sure we ever should. Oh, shoot! What do I do now? I couldn't put my IUD back, yes, I tried. Maybe I could avoid intimacy until I could get a Dr appointment?  I called the next day and told my Dr my IUD was out. They couldn't get me in for another month. I didn't know what to do, I made the appointment. Three days later I called Planned Parenthood. They wouldn't do it unless I was menstruating. I had JUST stopped two days ago.

Okay, I just have to put Rick off for a while. It took us a couple of months to get pregnant with Tommy, why should this time be any different. Funerals can really do weird things to a person. Sometimes periods start late. I guess I'd better take a pregnancy test just to be sure I'm NOT. I am. How do I tell Rick...

I don't remember exactly how I told Rick. He was surprised but in the bests way. He heard the news with joy. He reminded me that he loves me and I remembered some of the many reasons I love him. I can truly say that I simply don't know a better man than my own husband Richard Lowe Davis. He's a loving, patient and compassionate man. I couldn't have married anyone better.

Rick and I decided it would be fun to keep this baby a secret until Christmas. Then we would announce the news to our family in their Christmas gift. It was not easy and we never could have done it if we lived close. I was sick again just as I had been during the past two pregnancies. I gave myself shots daily. I lost just over 10 pounds before I began gaining weight in the last half of the pregnancy.

Ricks dad came to visit in November and figured it out pretty fast. It was a relief to him because he feared something was really wrong with me. He was golden and kept our happy secret until we announced it at the end of a photo book we sent to our parents and grandparents for Christmas. We told Clare and Tommy on Christmas day by hanging a stocking with a baby bottle in it. What a great Christmas surprise! Now I could tell everyone, (I had already told my closest 2 friends) and the time seemed to go by faster. However I did still hide it at Clares' clinic appointment in late February.

In June a new and beautiful baby girl was born to us. Charlotte Mae.


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